We recently bumped into a Dignited fan and a once ardent Facebook user now clearly showing signs of a burn out. Her love for the most popular social site in the world was on the ebb, so we sat her down and asked her what exactly her grievances were. She informed us that Facebook indeed needs a Rule Book of sorts so old-timers and newbies alike would get to learn some social media etiquette. Below is her rather colorful rant
1. Facebook Game Invites
Now listen, here. I do not and have never had the inclination to play Facebook Games. I honestly don’t have the MBs (Internet), the time or the patience to invest in playing games. Just how much data does one need to play a game online? Games won’t put food in my mouth and I am on a lean diet as it is. Matter of fact, I only ever get to see these Invites once in a blue moon when I get on PC (for something unrelated to Facebook) and bother to check. So please, don’t give me the evil eye when next we meet in person because I won’t know what exactly I did wrong. Be cool.
2. Random Friend Requests
So you’re a friend of a friend who barely knows you as you friended them by way of a friend they haven’t talked with since they joined Facebook. As a rule of thumb, I will acknowledge your friend request but before I act on it, I will check how many friends we have in common. If they are my core circle of friends, welcome to the fold, soon-to-be best friend. If not, you are at liberty to keep requesting and I too will exercise my liberty by ignoring or deleting these random requests.
3. Friends who Never Chat
Congratulations on friending the bundle of awesomeness that is me. You know I am a true believer in the ideals laid down by my main man Zuckerberg when he said thy shall exercise thy opportunity to connect with thy brethren.
My goal is not to amass my own private army reserve; I actually would love to chat you up and share grumpy cat memes and all that stuff with the understanding that you will in turn do the same. So I go ahead and accept your friend request and you hand me an ice-cold shoulder? Y U No Txt Bak!
4. Random Followers
Nothing quite baffles like that Facebooker who prefers to observe you discretely like a fly on your wall. That random follower gets to see what I am about but I don’t get to see their wall activity. I am no celebrity or anything.
I don’t wake up enlightened every morning and post personal quotes of profound wisdom or something. A random follower is a non-committal sort of person. You can’t have one leg over the fence and hope to check me out. Jump all the way in, friend me properly and perhaps we’ll get along. How about that?
5. Unsolicited Photo/Post tags
Have you tagged somebody lately? You know how it feels? No? Let me tell you how. A tag is a noose you tie around someone who’s peacefully minding their business on Facebook; not disturbing anybody, not making much noise you know.
When suddenly you tag them, they feel suffocated and they can’t simply ignore you because then you’ll see them online commenting on some other posts and whatever else it is people do on Facebook day in and day out. Unless you’re sure you your tags are welcome lassos pulling in people you feel hearts for, cease and desist. Puts awkward private people on the spot.
6. Facebook Post Thieves
Post thieves beware! Getting my post and doing a classic copy and paste onto your wall to look like you did it all by yourself is just rude. And punishable by time in prison. You don’t know what I’ve been through. You don’t know how hard I worked. My fingertips are numb from all that banging of the keyboard. And you just up and steal my intellectual property? Shame on you. I want my post back, along with all the Likes you earned off it. ASAP!
7. Friends who are Always Online
Some friends we make are online sunrise to sunset. They may not be the most active on Facebook but their status is nonetheless misleading. It feels like jumping rope, you wonder when the right time to strike up a conversation will be.
Last time you forwarded a tentative hello was met with awkward silence and now you’re seriously debating unfriending them altogether. That last post and the subsequent comments they made on their wall made you doubt whether you truly sent that message and a quick check shows you it’s marked as read. Hey ‘friend’, please have the courtesy of turning off chat so that the rest of us accommodating ladies and gentlemen don’t feel like we have declined to acknowledge your presence.
8. Extended Family and Acquaintances
Yes I do remember you in passing. You were that guy I went to school with and yes we are small-time buddies. I will surely wave at you when we meet at our school reunion. And yes, Aunt, you came to my 8th birthday party celebration ages ago and yes, I have grown quite a bit since then. And no, I don’t have a job yet, but I will soon. Hopefully. Sorry but if I may be honest, it’s just too awkward having you as my Facebook friend.
Now I have to watch what I post and you will Like my profile pic and I will scratch my face trying to remember where exactly I know you from. Facebook for me is a closed book to all but my immediate friends and family. Why do you have to friend me and kill a good thing I had going? Tell me. Why? Why? Why?
9. Share and You’ll be Blessed
I wonder if Jesus died to make you the boss of me. I wonder if Jesus knows you’re blackmailing me. I don’t want to share your post just so I can be in His good books.
Since when did Jesus join the social network anyway and what does he care about Likes and Shares? Facebook shares have nothing to do with religion and more to do with peer pressure and bullying Facebookers into guilt-sharing stuff they come across. So unfair! Next time such a post comes your way, type WWJD in the comment box? Jesus will understand.
10. Friends who Connect Twitter to Facebook
A friend of mine (I am not naming names) loves Twitter but she’s been told Facebook is more popular. So she does the only logical thing in her opinion: She connects her Twitter account to Facebook so that everything she tweets and retweets is automatically visible on her Facebook wall.
At first it was cool and all as this friend held an 8 to 5 and got little time to socialise on social media. My issue with her started soon after she got laid off. Now she tweets like a problem and my wall is starting to look like an RSS feed. I have to scroll through dozens of her tweets/posts to be able to read other posts and frankly, I am fed up. I love this girl and I know she is going through a hard time. But somebody tell her to STOP already!
Featured Image: TheNextWeb